India??

Time’s a ticking away, I feel like that big hand in the sky is looking at me like a tiny speck of dust that needs to be blown out of its protective clockcase and into the big, dirt filled expanse of the world. Or something like that. It just seems amazing that in only a few days I’ll be taking off from a slightly dingy airport terminal in a 40 year old plane to explore places that have so many people the residents must think I am an idiot for thinking I’m on an expedition. Luckily this determination is almost unanimous even among the people who do know me. Yet its time to test the bloody waters and hopefully no more giant Mako sharks come to visit me, one is more than enough. Just a few more things to collect before I head out into the blue yonder (how many departure references can I make), a few pounds of saltwater taffe, life preserver for any stray tsunamis that roll a couple hundred miles inland, personal defense robot for all the viciously combative peace-loving Hindus, water purification plant because I don’t want to have to boil water everyday, midget, hand grenades, samurai sword, antiballistic missile launcher (sans missiles…that’s illegal!), calculator for calculating stuff, polar bear and monkey repellent.

That oughta do it. I’m kind of expecting my first encounter with Indian’s to proceed something like this…
4pm: Land at the airport, check contents of all my bags and make sure contents are secure, prepare for thievery test…

4:15pm: Depart plane and walk towards baggage claim, collect bag, 10 rupees for baggage watcher, notice left shoe gone, its ok, I brought another, but when I prepare to put it on, prevented by strange advanced foot disease mysteriously doubling size of the foot and turning it orange.

4:30pm: Limp into customs, almost denied entry until they realize I didn’t contract disease on the plane, pay customs agent 150 rupees to stamp passport with smiley face, prepare to put passport back, notice half of the pages have been stolen out of passport.

4:35pm: Look around, oddity in vision, reach up with my hand and notice right eyeball has been surgically removed, search through laptop bag, realize mouse was left when they stole my laptop and input the mouse ball into my socket

4:40pm: Bump into Indian police officer, bribe him to leave me alone, begin recovery from kidney operation

4:45pm: Find ATM to withdraw more Indian rupees, watch in disappointment as ATM eats card, do a 360 turn looking for any help, return gaze to ATM to watch it calmly walking away.

4:50pm: Realize foot infection spread to other foot after right shoe was stolen by ATM machine as well.

4:55pm: Sit down on my bag in despair, land on the ground, ass is cold, delighted to find out pant pockets have been taken without having ripped the pants

5:00pm: Begin wait in line at US embassy behind other orange-footed stranded shirtless Americans, notice my eye itching, grasp that it must be the mouseball, ask the passing thief taking my security belt for some hand oil, told he was busy and couldn’t be bothered, pestered him some more, finally he gave me my lotion he had stolen from me, squirted it into the socket to lubricate the ball, surprised by the cry of indignation from the migrant pigeons taking up roost.

5:01pm: Feet meld to ground, become new sidewalk exhibit outside US embassy, resigned to commercialization of myself.