ring dinga ding

i guess this is more of a weekly thing, but i'm in the system and its active search time, i'll be gone by november, well january more likely, but who knows with the whole kit and kaboodle. my ex is still there, still moaning and groaning over my impending departure, hoping against all hope that i'll change my mind and try to figure myself out in the direction of mediocrity. why people feel that they are allowed to drag you down for their own selfish reasons in order to satisfy their own selfish desires i don't know. i'm a firm believer in directing my selfishness towards myself, not towards others, narcissism is a bitch, but i can't think of any other candidates for my love right now...

is it selfish to think about yourself before you think about others, is that not the way evolution designed us, to perpetuate ourselves and our offspring, and often ourselves before our offspring...at least until we reach a non-reproducing age

Just gotta post

I feel like my brain stops working as soon as there are inputs, meaning, the only time I feel like I am thinking well is when I am sitting still not listening, seeing, or feeling anything, and then I just feeel like I am a huge waste of space. So I'm stuck at an impasse. I guess I just need to do more thinking when I am moving around and less holding still, a combo of those twoi might work very well. I also feeel tlike there is a bunch of white noise in my head in terrupting regular brain processes.

So inflexible, oh man its crazy how inflexible I am

Toning the three keystones of yourself

In life, there are three basic principles, three guiding foundations to your own wellbeing, advancement and state of mind. Those being your body, your mind, and your soul. In order to be complete you must fully develop each of these without over emphasizing any one in order to maintain balance. To fully develop and utilize the mutually strengthening features of these three keystones, simplicity must be the definition of each step of the game. Without taking simple basic steps starting from the beginning, there will never be progress and often regression. There is never a truer application of you must crawl before you walk, walk before you run. In this case, everything is relative to the other, and equal at the same time. For anyone to define something incalculable as mind body and soul potential is foolhardy and compromising/limiting. To write a letter is equivalent to running, if you have never held a pencil, while drawing a perfect mountain landscape is crawling, if you regularly copy Renoirs. Everything is relative, but with one thing in common. Bite-sized steps must be taken to reach any goal. Every step can be divided infinitely (at least as far as the microphysicists will let us), but even those who seem like they are running through something with no breath for air, are all still in the process of taking small steps, just in less time. Time and relativity, sounds like einstien.

Look in the mirror

I tell my friend there are some easy fixes, I tell my girlfriend she needs to do this and that, and while I'm in the midst of giving all these otoher peopl eadvice, I start falling into the hole they're tryin gto dig themselves out of. Seems a little ridiculous if you ask me. I just don't know what to say anymore. I need inspiration and I'm not findiing it within myself. What are the thing sI would do if I had the willpower.. starting with the highest priority,
Make the website
Finish some books
Contact AIESEC people and leads
Contact Temp Service
Learn Chinese/Spanish/French
Create my Triad Chart
Learn Photoshop
Learn Piano
Practice handwriting
Interact with Family
Bike/Workout everyday
Become Flexible
Learn Seaman's knots
Learn how to woodcarve
Become MCSE certified

Some of these are everyday goals that aI would like to get done, and some of these are longterm, and as of yet unrealized or unrealizeable. I don not leave time for Halo 2 because I don't think that is a real goal, just an escapism type front. I don't know where teh willpower lies in me to get all these things done. Normally the thing that keeps me from it is a lack of knowledge and the idea that I may be doing something wrong or that I don't see results quick enough, and thats really not a good reason to give up on something

Curse in disguise

Why sleep all day, ain't nothing but a matter of disgution with yourself, like pretending rainins are candy because thats all you can afford. Bad analogy, but just woke uip so its about the best I can do. I got 4 weeks, I think I can learn 2 languaes, how to program an award-winning website, lose 30 lbs and make everyone in my life comfortable with themselves... Nothin like those terminal illnesses to help you along. Well, I'm on my way

Without caring who we are...

I just talked my best friend down from a ledge... on the phone... at least he's down... but I'm not there to give him a hug, to share some insights, to make him believe in himself. From where I am, I can only cheer him up, give advice, and hope. This blessed soul, better than a brother for so much of my life, at least the time when I've felt alive, short enough as that may be. When a man stops caring, stops loving himself, even in the smallest degree, stops wanting to look in the mirror for fear of the failure or manifestation of rage such a glance surely provides. When you walk into a room and don't want to talk to anyone, for fear of what they'll think, or if they'll know... Know what? Being unable to finish, using the same self-destructive mechanismsto break yourself down. And feeling alone. Perhaps depression at its root is loneliness, a self-imposed perception of your inability to share with others what you fear about yourself. The beauty of sharing lies in its innate ability to provide happiness, for in the act of sharing, if you view it the way I do, you give something you treasure to another, whether it be advice, love, or joy, and at the same time you partake as well. It is different than giving because in giving there is a measure of sharing, but you do not reap the same reward. You share a beautiful moment, but you can not give it, for sharing emobodies an experience affecting both people at the same time. It is more than just give and take.

I wish I could make my friend believe in his ability to share his own qualities, because then he would be believing in himself, and that is the true conquerer of depression. In the meantime I'm going to recommend to him some St. John's Wart, the poor man's antidepressant that the drug companies would rather you didn't find out about because if its strength and its lack of serious sideaffects. Man I love that kid, and he just needs to believe

Small steps in Tuscany

Rain followed us like the wretched mutt you gave food to outside the bazaar, bitterly, with the distinct possibility of ruiining your day. Luckily trains can outrun dogs, and it seems clouds as well. And so we departed into Florence with no more than a phone number and a will to survive. This will may or may not have been encouraged by the beautiful italian women so scarce in Venice, although these were often offset by the permanent and transient american guests residing in the city of Florence, but no matter, as we took our first steps beyond the modern gates of the Florence train station, we walked into florid adventure tempered by an extreme sense of being lost.

This may surprise you, it certainly surprised me, guidebook maps are not always big enough, or accurate enough to tell you where you need to go, nor do they always have a key to let you know where you are. Lckily for us, we wouldn't have known where we were had the map told us, a serious problem for people who do not speak the native language. Perfectly content to rest in this blissful state of euphoria with the Tuscany sun beating down on our light 40lb backpacks of joy, we unfortunately stumbled upon an internet cafe, 2 blocks down the road in a direction I think was northwest, but it could have just as easily been southeast. This internet cafe, crouching in an alleyway darkened by the narrow buildings I swear were trying to touch each other above our heads, would have seemed scary were it not for the illuminating direct sunlight, clean street and students streaming out of the front door, most of whom seemed american.

I contacted my friend Catey while Thomas contacted his friend who subsequently ditched him for another guy, leaving him stranded in a beautiful city with neither friend nor spirit of adventure while I found women glory and extreme measures of depravity. Not that I'm gloating, he could have got a hold of me. And so, with my faithless friend at my side, we departed to some street starting with a G, next to some big building most people recognize from art books, but having none of these, we had to guess at from the many big buildings surrounding us. After a few wrong guesses, we started looking for the street we couldn't pronounce.

After walking aimlessly down sundrenched streets surrouned by vendors of stolen or fake expensive purses and leather, often with the official brandname stores providing them a place to lean and free advertisements, we finally approached a street looking vaguely like the one we were looking for, as long as we didn't try to sound it out, and it lucily had a number that fit with the one we wanted. However, this number was attached to a gargatuan door far beyond my own means, and certainly beyond Catey's, and so while hitting the buzzer, I prepared an excuse for an angry Italian butler who would see nothing more than two bedraggled American backpackers with automatic weapons brandished in their angry arrogant stances. So I hid my gun and prepared to leave graciously. Slowly the door creaked open, and a wonderful, beautiful smile broke out on an american face I had never seen before in my entire life. Apparently we were expected. Catey was not around, but her friends were more than willing to keep us company for the short timeshe kept us waiting. Their humble abode left me dazzeled and straining to turn a rather jealous grimace into smile of admiration. Towering ceilings closeted enormous rooms and the beautiful cracked white walls you expect to find along the mediterreanean, yet rarely found outside of five-star hotels. Luckily, in the middle of this gaping, swearing spectacle, Catey walked in and threw me into a gigantic hug. I must say, I have beautiful friends, and the Italian weather, food and cultre only enhanced Catey's already abundant good looks. And unfortunately taken... again.

Then she showed me the terrace, oh the terrace. I didn't realize how lucky I was in Catey's friendship until I walked out on to this balcony from heaven. Florence's beauty manifests itself in many ways, culturally, artistic and architecturally, as a diamond nestled in the hills of Tuscany. Yet, noone told me of the beauty Florence possessed from above. Catey's terrace was the second highes privately owned terrace, in the center of Florence, 2 blocks from the famous Duomo (catherdral) made of tiled marble, with a sea of sunburnt red tiled roofs spreading out in gentle waves from our central location. The afternoon sun shone down on us as it wept goodbye upon the hills clad with classic italian villas stretching into the distance. Ah... the beautiful country.

Where to begin?

Simple as it may seem, finding the proper spot in memory to act as a jumping off point for self-expression seems no easier than finding the proper spot to jump off that black jagged cliff that appears in your mind everytime you confront something you've always wanted to do, yet lacked the necessary fortitude and courage. But I guess I could look at it like this, jumping off a cliff is generally easier than climbing one, just as long as you don't hit the bottom until you die, which is probably a self-fulfilling prophecy. You won't hit the bottom until you die, because when you hit the bottom, you'll die...

The first step

The best way to preserve memories is to actively remember them, the second best way is to write them down... This is me learning how to write. I have some profound ideas eloquently expressed while in my bed with nothing but thoughts floating seamlessly wihtout the need to express themseleves in common terms or language. I feel the need to express these thoughts stems from an innate desire to improve my communication skills. And so, while thoughts may sometimes be hard to express fluidly, memories have more structure, and require less effort, and so I begin with a first step, which actually lies after a few steps, and far before many other steps

Borderline Maniac

At least three times daily you should ask yourself if what you are doing right now is crazy relative to the bounds of selfcreation that you impose upon yourself. If your answer to each question is no, then you should start living some more.

I had some crazy, now rapidly retreating, dreams last night, having to do with old friends, new organizations, and smoky, temptuous women. If only I could remember them I could entertain myself for hours, I guess I'll just have to wait until I fall asleep tonight again.